Posts Tagged ‘revision’

Original Cover Letter Draft

The accompanying vita is to introduce myself as a candidate for the [SCHOOL NAME] school psychology internship.

I am currently a graduate student at [SCHOOL NAME] in the School Psychology program. [SCHOOL NAME] interests me as a place of internship because I seek to gain experience functioning as a change agent for students, teachers, families and systems. At [SCHOOL NAME], the purpose of an internship in school psychology is to provide students with the opportunity to participate in a full range of psychological services in an educational setting. Upon completion of the internship (minimum of 1200 hours), it is expected that students will possess entry-level skills to begin employment as school psychologists. Field supervisors are expected to provide two hours per week of direct supervision as well as on-going feedback regarding the intern’s written reports, specific skills and interpersonal competencies.

As you will see from my curriculum vita, I have gotten a breadth of relevant experiences over the past three years including working at the elementary, middle, and high school levels with ethnically and economically diverse children and families. In addition to numerous other activities, main areas of focus during my practicum year have been implementing a behavioral intervention within a classroom using the consultation model (e.g. entry and contracting, problem identification and analysis, intervention design, implementation, etc.) while also utilizing motivational interviewing strategies; and counseling a student using evidence-based approaches (e.g. solution-focused brief therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy). In addition, I have been responsible for collecting assessment data, implementing behavioral interventions, and monitoring student outcomes throughout the year.

I am interested in an internship within [SCHOOL NAME] because I believe my graduate training, field and related experiences, and skills have directly influenced my ability to work in the best interest of students. Through creative problem solving, critical thinking skills and innovation, I seek to personalize learning that meets students’ at their needs. Since graduating from my undergraduate institution, I have worked alongside children and adolescents by assisting in their growth to success and accumulated valuable knowledge along the way. Particular areas of interest for me are multicultural issues including social advocacy for underserved or marginalized students and families. As a student intern for a District Court Judge, whom presided primarily in juvenile court, hearing trials and motions involving custodial cases of the Department of Social Services – Youth and Family Services Division and delinquency cases, I witnessed numerous cases involving an adolescent who made one bad decision which affected/altered the trajectory of the rest of his life. From this point forward, I knew I wanted to dedicate my life to intervening within children and adolescents’ lives in order to provide them with better services/options to further their success. I also would like to gain additional experience with crisis intervention teams.

I firmly believe in [SCHOOL NAME’S] vision to inspire and empower every student to learn and excel. I not only wish to be a part of this vision but I also desire to contribute my strengths and skills to your learning community.

Upon review of my vita, you will find that I have extensive experience counseling/working with diverse populations, a demonstrated ability to collaborate amongst/alongside a team (of individuals), outstanding interpersonal and customer service skills, and a willingness to learn more about new concepts and strategies that can aide my growth as a school psychologist.

The enclosed resume will furnish additional information on my background. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Revised Cover Letter

I am currently a graduate student at [SCHOOL NAME] in the School Psychology program interested in the [SCHOOL NAME] for a school psychology internship. I seek to gain experience serving on crisis intervention teams, and I wish to be a change agent for students, teachers, and families. I firmly believe in the [SCHOOL NAME] vision to inspire and empower every student to learn and excel. I not only wish to be a part of this vision, but I also desire to contribute my strengths and skills to your learning community.

As you will see from my accompanying curriculum vita, I am a qualified candidate with extensive experiences counseling diverse populations, a demonstrated ability to collaborate alongside a team, outstanding interpersonal and customer service skills, and a willingness to gain new concepts and strategies that can aide my growth as a school psychologist.

My breadth of relevant experiences over the past three years comes from working at the elementary, middle, and high school levels with ethic and economic diversities. Having been a student intern for a district court judge, a particular area of interest for me is social advocacy for underserved or marginalized students and families. I witnessed numerous cases involving adolescents who made one bad decision that affected his or her life trajectory. From that point forward, I dedicated my life to intervening in children’s lives to provide them with better options and services, and a school psychology internship in the [SCHOOL NAME] will help me accomplish my personal and professional goals.

To achieve this end, my practicum at [SCHOOL NAME] has allowed me to implement a classroom behavioral intervention using the consultation model (e.g. entry and contracting, problem identification and analysis, intervention design, implementation, etc.), motivational interviewing strategies, and counseling using evidence-based approaches (e.g. solution-focused brief therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy). Additionally throughout the year, I have been responsible for collecting assessment data, implementing behavioral interventions, and monitoring student outcomes.

If you are willing to serve as a field instructor, you would provide two hours per week of direct supervision as well as on-going feedback regarding my written reports, specific skills, and interpersonal competencies.  A minimum of 1200 hours is necessary to complete the internship, and this time will provide me with entry-level skills when seeking employment.

Original Text at Persian-Cats.com

Revised Text

Ethical Breeding Steps for Fun and Success

Cat breeding is an expensive, time-consuming hobby.
Here is an easy five-step formula for becoming an ethical and respected breeder in the Fancy without facing heartaches and making mistakes.

Step 1—Gaining Knowledge

A good breeder needs a firm goal that is specific towards the betterment of the bread in some way. To create a measurable goal, you need a strong education in breed standards, health, look and temperament, and genetics. Get ready to do some research in these areas.

Gain knowledge about the breed standard

  • Find a breed standard on a major cat registry website or correspond with a current cat breeder
  • Attend a show hall to see winning cats in action and find a breed that suits your taste
  • Do not attempt to change the breed standard as it is a long and difficult process for an experienced breeder.

Gain knowledge about the breed’s health

  • Be ethical. Know how to keep your cats healthy throughout their lifespan.
  • Other breeders can be a great resource to ask how to avoid health issues and eliminate them from your breeding lines.
  • Consult books or the internet about the breed’s health.

Gain knowledge about the breed’s look

  • Decide on a color division. Not all breed’s color mixes are allow for showing.
  • Learn about the breed’s aesthetic faults and disqualifications.
  • Determine a winning look for the breed you wish to show. Have an objective for the qualities you wish to emphasize on the show floor.

Gain knowledge in genetics and feline husbandry

  • Genetics can help you predict if the cats you breed together will produce the dream kittens you wish to produce.
  • Genetics can help you avoid inbreeding and free your line from health problems.
  • Feline husbandry can help keep your cats healthy and happy.

Step 2—Build a breeding program

  • Think of the number of cats you want and can have in your program
  • Consider how the cats you choose will be bread in the most effective way to reach your goal.
  • Write down the colors of your cats, their type, aspired lines, and pedigree for future reference.

Step 3—Prepare your home/cattery

  • Purchase pet supplies.
  • Create a comfortable space for your cats to sleep, play, and eat before purchasing.

Step 4—Purchase your cats

  • Do not compromise. Get the best cats to reach your goal. If needed, wait to buy the right pair of cats.

Step 5—Spay/Neuter

  • Showing a neutered cat
    • Looking at cats without buying one during the research process can be frustrating, and one must be extremely disciplined.
    • A neutered show cat might be a temporary and less costly alternative. Having a neutered show cat will enable you to visit many shows, develop a reputation, and get a head start on show grooming.
    • For such a cheap option, you will get to know many cats and people who will be sources for knowledge.
  • Spay/neuter cats that deteriorate the breed
    • Ethical policy that ensures the health and welfare of cats
    • Selling a neutered cat may motivate others to show a breed
    • Inspires respect from other breeders

Revision Rationale

Publishing for the web means taking an essay or article and making it appeal to the visual senses. This document was long, confusing, and disjointed. Instead of being informative, the writing style gave off an opinionated tone. My revisions focused on the visual elements of the writing by using bullet points and bolding the steps. I reduced the number of steps because I wanted the article to focus around a central bottom-line message: ethical breeding steps for fun and success. The author seemed overly focused on creating a 10-step plan, which over-complicates the process; thus, the reader becomes overwhelmed and is unwilling to take on a breeding program.

The revisions emphasize the research that goes into a breeding program by dividing categories of the process into sub-sections. The bullet points for Step 1 clearly identify the objectives a future cat breeder should keep in mind when exploring his or her options. The remainder of the article did not receive subsections because the points made were mainly more generalized reminders versus detailed how-to steps.

Original Letter of Appeal

It is because of community supporters like yourself that the Dedi Sykes Education Endowment continues to provide educational opportunities to York VNA Home Care nurses and clinical staff. The endowment is in memory of my mother, Dedi Sykes, a lifelong champion of the VNA. My family and I see my mother’s memory live on through the amazing work of the entire VNA staff.

Last year the endowment was able to fund a grant to Leslie Nelson. Leslie will be finishing up her Wound Care Certification this coming October.

“This has provided me with the confidence in providing wound assessment and care to patients with acute and chronic wounds. This knowledge will able me to provide the easiest, most effective, and medically appropriate care for a win-win of the patient and the VNA,” explains Leslie.

Leslie mentioned the win-win for patients and the VNA. The Dedi Sykes Education Endowment hopes to continue to foster win-win situations by providing opportunities of growth and knowledge to the VNA staff. I am excited to announce that this year we will be able to award two grants from the endowment. The first grant will be used by a nurse who is attending a Wound and Skin Management Course and the other will be used by a nurse who is taking two online courses towards her Bachelor of Science in Nursing.

Thank you for your past support of the Dedi Sykes Education Endowment. I hope you will consider making another gift to the endowment to help VNA clinical staff and nurses continue to give outstanding care to their patients. To make your gift, please send your check in the enclosed envelope.  Checks can be made payable to the Dedi Sykes Education Endowment. You can also make a donation via credit card by completing the enclosed credit card form.

My mother would be proud of the support you and other community members have given this endowment. She was always a supporter of the work of the VNA staff, and it means a lot to my family that this support continues in her honor.

Revised Letter of Appeal

The Dedi Sykes Education Endowment is in memory of my mother, Dedi Sykes, a lifelong champion of the VNA. My mother would be proud of the support you and other community members have given this endowment, which allows the excellent VNA staff a chance to expand their knowledge base.

My family and I see my mother’s memory live on through the amazing work of the entire VNA staff, and it means a lot to us you’re your support continues in her honor. The York VNA Home Care nurses and clinical staff members also appreciate your support of their educational and professional development opportunities.

Last year we were able to provide three scholarships. Kimberly Yinger received a scholarship for a Chronic Care Professional (CCP) Certification, and Betty Anne Abrahamsen received funding for a course in Lymphedema Therapy. Steph Emenheiser received funding for books used in courses required for a BSN.

Steph says, “Having my BSN will open new opportunities for furthering education and I hope to specifically have the skills to help the under-educated and financially impaired population of York County.”

Steph’s story is only one of those helped by the Dedi Sykes Education Endowment. Your donation can continue to provide this valuable education opportunity. Doing so will help VNA clinical staff and nurses continue to give outstanding care to their patients.

To make your gift, please send your check in the enclosed envelope.  Checks can be made payable to the Dedi Sykes Education Endowment. You can also make a donation via credit card by completing the enclosed credit card form.

Thank you for your consideration.